Grief and loss: there's no manual for sorrow
As a healthcare psychologist I often sit across from people who, alongside their sorrow, also doubt whether they are doing it 'right'. 'Shouldn't I be over it by now?' That question says a lot about the myths that exist around grief. In more than fifteen years I have learned that sorrow knows no manual and no end date. In this article I want to take away that pressure, and show what grief is, what helps, and when it is wise to seek help.
The persistent myth of the fixed phases
Almost everyone knows the idea of the 'five stages of grief': denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. It sounds tidy, but it is largely a misunderstanding. The original model described how people cope with their own approaching death, not how the bereaved grieve, and certainly not as a fixed step-by-step plan.
In reality grief has no fixed order, no fixed duration and no fixed end point. One day you feel reasonable, the next the sorrow overcomes you again in full force, often at the most unexpected moments. That is not a sign that you are 'relapsing' or doing it wrong; that is simply what grief looks like.
The idea of neat phases sometimes actually gives extra suffering: the feeling that you are 'behind' or 'stuck somewhere'. Let go of that yardstick. There is no schedule that your sorrow has to meet. Do you feel that pressure of 'I should be further along by now'? You may set it aside.
Grief has many faces
Grief is much broader than tears and low mood. People experience disbelief, denial, anger (at the situation, at others, sometimes at the deceased), guilt over what was or was not said, relief after a long sickbed, and periods of numbness in which you feel almost nothing.
All those reactions are part of it, including the reactions you might be ashamed of. Feeling anger does not mean you did not love; relief does not mean you do not mourn the loss. Grief is not pure sorrow, it is a tangle of contradictory feelings, and that is normal.
Many people are relieved to hear that. 'Am I allowed to feel this, then?' Yes. There is no wrong way to grieve, and there is no feeling you are not allowed to have.
Sorrow lives in your body too
Grief is not only an emotion, it is a physical experience. People report fatigue, a pressing feeling on the chest, a lump in the throat, sleep problems, no appetite or, conversely, a lot, and a kind of grey emptiness that makes them slow and listless. Some become more susceptible to illness.
That is not putting it on; loss is a drastic stress experience, and your body reacts to it. It helps to know that, so that you do not interpret those signals as 'something new that is also wrong', but as part of the grieving.
Precisely for that reason taking good care of your body during grief is important, however little you feel like it: a little food, a little movement, a little rhythm. Not to wipe away the sorrow, but to give yourself the strength to carry it.
You grieve more than just death
We usually link grief to death, but you can grieve for much more. The end of a relationship, the loss of work, your health, a future you had pictured, your homeland or your familiar life after a drastic change, those too are real losses that give real sorrow.
These forms of grief are often not recognised as such, by those around you and sometimes by yourself. 'It was only a job', 'you were not even married'. That invisibility makes it lonely, because your sorrow gets no space.
Do you recognise sorrow for a loss that had no funeral? Then know that it is allowed to be there. A loss does not have to be recognised by others to be drastic for you.
What helps: allowing it and keeping moving
Modern thinking about grief is not about 'working through phases', but about a kind of moving back and forth: between allowing the sorrow (feeling, remembering, missing) and turning again towards the life that goes on (practical matters, contact, new routines). Both are needed; you do not have to sit in your sorrow all day, and you do not have to push it away either.
Talking helps many people, not to solve it, but to carry it. With loved ones, with fellow sufferers, or with a professional. Others find support in writing, in rituals, in nature. There is no right method; it is about what gives you space.
And give it time, much more time than those around you often expect. Sorrow does not wear off on command. What changes is that you slowly learn to live around it; the loss does not become smaller, your life around it becomes bigger.
For loved ones: being present is enough
People often do not know what to say to someone grieving, and then keep silent out of fear of saying the wrong thing. But that silence often feels to the grieving person like being abandoned. You do not need wise words; being present is the most important thing you can do.
Avoid well-meant platitudes like 'he is in a better place now' or 'you have to look forward again'. Rather say honestly: 'I don't know what to say, but I am here for you.' Ask about the deceased or the loss; most grieving people actually like to talk about it.
And keep coming, also after weeks and months, when most people have dropped off and the cards have stopped. It is precisely then, when the silence falls, that your presence means the most.
When grief gets stuck
Grief is not an illness; it is a healthy, if painful, reaction to loss. But sometimes it gets stuck. We speak of prolonged or complicated grief when the sorrow, after a longer time (usually more than a year), remains undiminishingly all-dominating, when you completely seize up in your daily functioning, or when you isolate yourself more and more.
Signs that help is wise: you make no progress at all anymore, you avoid everything that reminds you of the loss (or you cannot think of anything else), you reach for alcohol or substances to bear it, or persistent low or hopeless thoughts are added. With thoughts of ending it: call your GP or, day and night, 113 (0800-0113).
Do you doubt whether your grief is still 'normal'? Then that is already a good reason to discuss it with your GP. Help with grief is not a sign that you are failing at sorrow, but a support to be able to carry it.
Sources
- Thuisarts.nl — Ik ben in rouw
- Hersenstichting — Verlies, verwerking en rouw
- 113 Zelfmoordpreventie — 0800-0113 (dag en nacht)
This article is informative and does not replace personal advice from a care provider. In doubt, or do you have questions about your own situation? Feel free to contact us.
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